treat no trick

 

Halloween night in 1985, we lived in O'fallon at the time. My Aunt Lisa and mom were putting the final touches on my costume. I wanted to be a black cat this year and black cat i shall. I was so excited, this was the first year i was able to really have my own choice in a costume. I was ready, finally done! My long sandy blond hair left curly and down, a pair of black cat ears on top of my head. Face painted with a pink nose and whiskers on my cheeks. Black body suit on, the cutest little black fluffy tail dangling from my bottom. Oh an i mustn't forget, this was the '80's now, my black knit leg warmers from top of foot reaching up to my entire leg. Feet resting in my little girl Mary Jane's. I felt so felinish in my new outer body, I'm sure i walked with a spring in my step.
The other two girls are now here. They are sisters, April and Sandy, i grabbed my pillow case and we were now out the door into the cool brisk night. Kids are running around all over the place, costumes of all sorts. We decide to start at the beginning of Runney Meade and work our way down.
The porch light is on and they have a wooden deck, i see my brother Rob doing a back flip off of the porch rail. He then walks up to me and says "She makes you work for your candy!" As he walks away, at this moment i just want to turn around and go back home. I am scared, the kids before me were all doing something for their treat. I don't know what to do, i have no talent. I'm shy, i never like any amount of attention to be on me. I feel as if this may have just ruined my Halloween.
We're up, it's our turn, April was in gymnastics so she did a flip and the splits so it was nothing for he. Sandy was in dance so she did a couple of spins and tapped her feet a bit, she went through like a breeze.
Oh god I'm frozen, now it's my turn! I have no idea what to do! I certainly can't do what they have done. So i hold out my pillowcase, in my frozen scared state and say "Trick or Treat." The woman laughs at me and says "Oh no, if you want a treat your going to have to do a trick!" God i stand there for what seems like an eternity with April, Sandy and this woman just staring at me.
All that i can think of is...
"Knock knock!"
She looks at me and smiles "Who's there?"
"Meow"
"Meow who?"
I hold out my pillowcase and say "Meow can i have some candy please?"
She laughs and places some candy in my bag. I was relieved and thankful that did the trick. I'm also thankful that for the rest of that Trick or Treating night this was the only "Trick" i had to do.

Shhhhh

 

Shhh can you hear that....

     Shhh there it is again...

Is someone calling my name?...

      Wait there it is again....

Shhh.....

I'm not sure if that's my name being called?

     I'm not sure at all?...

So faint in sound, seems so small in stature.

     I just can't put my finger on it....

Shhh there it is again...

     It sounds like....

Like almost a song of one word gently tickling my ear.

     It's there i know it is....

Whatever or who ever you are, you have my attention....

     Shhh....

I kindly whisper...."Are you there?"

oh my god

"Well...what's it say...are you?" Laura asks
"It's positive." i reply
Laura jumps up from her chair "Oh my god, that's great!" giving me a genuine comforting hug of acceptance.

"I don't know what the hell you think you are doing! You need to stop this crap!" My mother and i were always fighting then. I was trying to move on and she was convinced i should stay in my past.

"I'm pregnant!" I yell at her while shrugging my arm away from her grip so i can escape the front porch. "OH MY GOD!!" She yells at me with pure hatred in her tone. Throwing her arms up into the air, "Well what the hell are you going to do?!?" Her body language so angered i start to walk away "I'm going to keep it!" I shout at her as i am making my way to the car. Making my anger well known by throwing my middle finger in the air towards her before i step into my car.

"It's a Boy!" the ultrasound tech tells us. I look at Ralph, we're hand in hand. He's smiling and a tear rolls down my face. A tear of happiness for him, his first born, "it's a boy" i repeat so softly. I hear a lot of clicking and pressing on the machine from the technician. I hear picture after picture sliding from the side. She cuts the picture's from the machine and calmly gets up from her chair, "Excuse me but i will be back shortly." Leaving the room and shutting the door behind her. I continue looking at Ralph and he's smiling at me just holding and caressing my hand so sweetly. Moments later she re-enters the room, "You can put your top back on now and if you wouldn't mind having a seat in the waiting room, the doctor would like to see you when he is done." Pleasant voiced and smiling she escorts us to the waiting room.
I'm nervous extremely nervous.

I go into the office alone, for the nurse who escorted me did not ask if Ralph would like to join me. I'm sitting in a very small office, my chair is practically spilling into the hallway. The doctor sits down, lays out the ultrasound pictures on his desk and begins. At this time I'm not even sure if i understand what he is telling me. "I have to send you to another hospital, i...we don't handle pregnancies like this." I continue staring at the pictures on his desk. "There's a lot of things wrong with your baby!" This is when he starts getting into detail about my babies anatomy. "We need 3-D ultrasound to confirm, to get a better look, we just don't have that technology or special care unit for this." I begin to feel empty and alone. "This is extremely severe, I'm not even sure if your baby is going to make it." He is very sympathetic but i am in shock and don't really know what to do. He begins to set up my appointments for me with another hospital and another doctor and informs them of my babies health concerns and issues. I take the information he has given me and begin to walk out to the waiting room. I see women being weighed, smiling faces, white walls, grey carpet, a narrow hallway that is leading me to Ralph. I open the big white door with the brass handle, there's Ralph sitting across the room. He sees me, he smiles, he gets up to be with me and as he is walking over all i can think is "Oh My God" with such sadness.

It's time, I'm in the operating room, Ralph by my side. Doctor's everywhere getting prepared for the big moment, getting ready to act fast with absolutely no time to spare! My friend Laura standing tucked out of the way by the door. She and Ralph are my only family that are there by my side, we're all getting ready to experience a miracle.
I am ready, he is ready! Minutes just flew by and before i know it there he is, a beautiful baby boy, an angel who has been sent to me. Robert Dean Rue is now here. The room fell silent and all i hear is a female doctor say "Oh My God, he's awake!" shocked and surprised, then one more "Oh My God, he's awake!" The reason this comes as such a shock to them is because this baby boy who is NOW here and NOW awake showing life, had all odds against him. A continuous stream of heart wrenching bad news for four months. I reach my hand out to try to touch him, even if for just a split second and i say "Oh My God Yes he is awake!" smiling with a moment of relief and joy that is indescribable.

the key

 

"Here's the key...take it...go to the third floor and place it in the attic door". "Go now"! "Hurry"!

Hurry what's the rush i say to myself walking out of the kitchen past the dining room, slowly making my way to the grand staircase. A staircase built to last, a craftsmanship that flows with such elegance and beauty. Something of which i have taken for granted.
I'm not even sure i want to do this...taking my first step onto the honey stained wooden staircase. Key in left hand clinched between my sweaty fingers, hand rail in my right gliding so smoothly as each step is taken. Step after step, dragging my feet as if i am  in for such disappointment. Being surprised and the feeling of not knowing does not thrill me in the least. It brings fear into me and makes me second guess even taking the key into my grip. As i continue step after step i begin to realize that i had no choice, that this is something that i must do, almost a path that has been pre-determined for me. I shiver at the very thought and continue my journey up the stairs. Becoming mesmerized by the sound my feet are making with each step taken.

Reaching the second floor stairwell, i begin to make a game of it, almost considering a little song and dance...the rhythm is there, the tip tapping from my tip toes as they dance from step to step allowing an echo chime in a tone that is pleasant to the ear and lifting to the heart.

A sudden halt in silence as i stop upon gazing at the third floor, the final heap of steps. I can almost see a glint of light peering out of the attic door key hole.
I stand there, frozen, i can hear my every breath, feel the beating of my heart.
I hold up the key...I'm curious...so curious.
It's a beautiful key, an old skeleton key with braided circles at the end. Three of them interlinked with one another.
I'm trying to remember why i was given this key to begin with?
Why it's me who has the key now?
Why it's me who is squeezing the handrail that is cool and calming to touch?
Calming me at this very moment.

I begin the final steps that lead me to a door. A door that holds something in it that is just for me. I hold the key that unlocks this door...I'm scared! I'm really scared! I'm not sure how this is going to turn out once i open that door. I'm unsure of me and how i will react. IS it going to make me happy?...IS it going to not open and keep me locked out?...my mind is just racing at these thoughts, encircling me causing my head to spin.

I'm here, I calm my hand, I steady the key...i can now hear the clinks of tiny little pieces of metal that have been made to fit together as i turn the key...i grab ahold of the door knob, it feels warm, very warm and inviting, i calm myself as i begin to open the door. By a door like this i would have expected it to making creaking noises and squeak as the hinges begin sliding against one another. It doesn't though, it's gliding with such grace and beauty, not a rickety noise made, smooth sounds, pleasant sounds.

The door is now open, my eye's are closed because I'm scared, i take in a deep breath and release it with patience and timing. I begin to hear laughter, a playful child's laughter. It's beautiful, i open my eye's and there they are...three children stand before me and in that moment i am overwhelmed with peace and love. There they are, a gift...now they are all mine! Their smile so sweet and mine now complete.

simply sweet

Cravings of something that is just simply sweet.
sweet smell
sweet taste
sweet tingle
and the unbelievable sensation of sweet sweet mouth watering flavors.
Without a single morsel touching your lips.

Eye's closed, sense of smell overwhelmed with excitement.
Arm's wrapped around you while your hands are gripping your shoulders tight.

And of course a simply sweet smile rest's upon your face.
All it takes it just one kiss,
just...one...kiss...

wedding day

Today is October 16th, 2010.
This is what today is...

I'm feeling very saddened by the very moment of today, October 16th, 2010.
This is my wedding day, this i should rephrase is suppose to be my wedding day.

The invitations are all filled out- the glasses are all engraved- arrangements at one time were all arranged.
Today is October 16th, 2010, this is what they all have written on them. Engaged to a day that is here and for them, they will not have their moment. That very moment that shouts out to the world, "hey someone is in love and TODAY they unite their love for one another".

Today i am suppose to feel like a princess and my prince is to take me by my hand and make a promise to me that no other man can do. My day shining, glistening, smile embedded so deep that nothing can wipe it away.

Today is October 16th, 2010
I am still happy for today but not as happy as my heart wants me to be. I wander what the next date will be, which calender day, month and year will make me a princess. A princess on a very special day.

the ballerina inside me

I still have dreams about the way i used to dance.
I still remember how once my body used to move inside of me.

Feeling what i used to when my mind cleared itself and music just took over my body. Nothing that held me captive but defiantly something that kept me captivated.
I was in love, in love with the way my body moved so freely. In love with every aspect of dancing only for myself and yet someday maybe for another.

I can still hear the music when i close my eyes.
I can still remember every twirl, every spin, every dip that seem to enchant my room for hours upon hours.

Head held high, back straight, arms locked in place tight, feet on tip toes and with one swift move using the beautiful structure of my solid frame, spinning and spinning. Moving my arms in a rapid motion in towards my breast and out again, beautifully on one leg while shifting my right leg out and gently tucking it back in getting ready to repeat my spin.

I still remember how it feels dancing like a ballerina.
I still remember the feeling of the audience who was me and only me.

looking past the window

Here i am...
Cool breeze running it's finger's through my long black hair.
Hearing no cluttering noise of human company...something which i keep shuttered out for reason's of my own.
Here i am...
Standing in a garden of glorious flower's, sweet seductive flower's that never lose a bloom. Always keeping me company with the luscious peace and whispering quiet.
Here i am...
To my left a gate made of white picket's arched with blooming tree's. A pleasant looking gate that is closed and yet so inviting. Inviting me to stay and never look back. Fills me with happiness that needs to stay.
Here i am...
To my right a small cobbled stone country cottage, telling me that someone is home by the rising smoke churning from it's flew. Creeping vines crawling up the side of it attempting to swallow it whole. The door massive in size is guarded with a rod ironed gate to keep either something out or something in...i try not to gaze to hard for i am captivated by the enchanting scenery that is before me. The garden, the picket gate, the country cottage and the endless rolling hills that set before me.
Here i am...
Feeling free at last, breathing every second in like it's my last. Allowing the breeze to sweep my long silky nightgown from side to side on my bare skin. Captivating the sensation that my bare feet bring to me, cool on the bottom and sun bathed on the top. Simply loving each blade of grass that springs up between each toe.
Here i am...
Not moving not making a sound...almost scared to ruin the moment. I ask myself if i should go inside the country cottage. For it may be small but the whole world lies within. At this moment i do believe i am not ready for company, things get distracting and cluttered in there. The picket gate with the arched blooming tree's is closed but looks like it could easily be opened. I think that i will wait on that though and just enjoy my time here in the middle.
Here i am...
All alone with pure enjoyment, eyes closed, head tilted back, feeling my hair brushing back and forth. I raise my arms from my side above my head and take a deep breath of this seductive air...i will enjoy this.